Frustrated

A post on why I haven't been posting. Because people love that.



The simplest answer is "I've been at college, being a responsible adult who does homework instead of spending several hours on something that will be read by maybe five people, all of whom know me in real life." I don't like this answer, though, because it makes it sound like I have a lot of work. And I do, but not so much that I can't blog.

No, this is more a testament to dissatisfaction with my anonymity. It's frustrating to generate this much content, fully aware that it's not reaching anyone new, fully aware that I could just tell people this individually and make exactly the same amount of impact. Maybe more impact. At least then, I'm hearing feedback. Here, it's a wide expanse of me calling out to the void and hearing nothing in reply.

And yet, it feels wrong to complain about that, because shouting into the void is arguably the mission statement of this blog. The name says it all: this really is a blog by numbers. My twitter feed asserts it much more plainly: my opinions are not exceptional. Some of you might assert differently, and that's sweet of you, but in terms of marketability, it's very true. It's part of why I don't feel like I can write a blog about the top ten list at present. Most of it would be retreads of my own earlier statements, with a dash of "go watch Todd's review, he said it better and said it first" and a pinch of generic all-caps hatred. It doesn't feel like something that would be rewarding, either for me to write or you to read.

I guess that leaves me with the question of where to go from here on this blog. Do I write about my own life? I could, but not enough happens that I feel like talking about, and besides, it all feels so narcissistic. (And yet, that might be exactly what happens.) I could go back to recapping Eldest, but that seems once again like a large amount of concerted effort that ultimately retreads other people's better-phrased opinions. Nothing I think of seems like it would interest people who do not know me. So then, it's a question of what I'm actually looking for in a blog. Is it self-validation? If that's the case, shouldn't I jump ship to Tumblr or swim back to fanfiction.net? Both of these seem problematic for different-yet-similar reasons.

Fanfic is a commitment that has provided fewer returns for me with each year of involvement. Plus, at this point in my on-the-verge-of-a-career, it almost seems unprofessional to be involved in something that's in such a grey area of legality. I did get the opportunity to beta-read for someone over the summer, and that was gratifying, but I don't know if I could handle writing it again.

Tumblr, meanwhile, seems like it's too rooted in fandom, social justice, and general drama. I've become fairly cynical about all three, and I feel like me joining Tumblr would result in a lot of contrariness and general unpleasantness. But it does seem like a way to get yourself heard, provided you follow the forms correctly.

I guess the real question is, is there any platform that works for the occasional writer today? I feel as if the Blogger approach might have had merit at some point, but that point has passed. I no longer have recognition in any corner of the internet, which reduces me to yet another opinionated text generator. I feel very much like I was born too late, in a way. Right now, it feels like upstarts get discovered for their art or their vlogs. I'm no artist and have even less inclination to let the Internet see and hear me. But I want to be heard and known. So I'm at a loss.

Maybe I'll just keep doing what I'm doing until actual proper inspiration strikes. Maybe something will happen that will make maintaining this blog seem far more palatable. That's part of my problem, in truth. I totally acknowledge that it's difficult to keep pace with a blog that updates roughly once a month, if that. And, really, if Blogger didn't keep a record of what months you posted, I doubt I'd be even this regular. So the lack of readership is definitely partly my fault for being erratic. But it's a vicious cycle: I don't post, so nobody reads, so I get disillusioned and don't post. But even when I do post, does anyone really care about my opinions? I have no idea anymore.

I've been thinking about this more and more this semester. I'm in two writing-based classes, and in both of them, I feel as if I'm failing to produce works that appeal to a wider audience. I'm not sure how to correct this, though, because producing popular works seems to merely involve becoming more conventional, at which point you immediately drown in a sea of like-minded works, which may be at least part of the problem with this blog. My roommate and I also discussed this (a conversation that led me to write this post), in which we bemoaned the fact that no one seems to read our posts, or at least, relatively no one. And it is relative, because my roommate is more successful than me on all social media fronts: Twitter, Facebook, blogging...

But, if attention is the goal, does that detract from the work as an artistic release? That's another "the question" for me. And, really, at this point, I question whether this blog is even artistic for me anymore. It feels more like something done out of obligation, a way to generate writing samples. Sure, I wrote this summer. I wrote snarky soundbites about pop music, which is to say, I wrote nothing of note. I know I enjoyed doing so at first, but it grew into obligation, and then an obligation to shirk. I think the clearest sign of this is the lack of any acknowledgement that "Blurred Lines" is no longer the number one song in America. Back in June, I would have been all over that, cheering and congratulating America as a unit (even if the replacement was hardly worthy). Instead, I just shrugged and continued living. I don't know what to say about that now.

This post is a messy ramble, and I'm mildly uncomfortable with that. But it feels cathartic, too. But not completely so, because I've not found a real solution. I don't know what to write about.

Okay, how about this, I'll make a deal with myself and all of you potential readers: come November, I will recount my adventures at a convention. And then I'll see what happens with that and work from there. What will I write in October? Who knows! Probably more pop song snarks. Perhaps nothing. Perhaps an anniversary post, because, damn, it's almost been a year since this blog's inception, and this is what I have to show for it. Okay, yeah, this feels better, this feels more conclusive. It's no five-year-plan, but it's enough to make me feel like I actually want to write about things. That can only be a plus, surely.

If you did read this post... thank you. The odds of you existing felt improbable, but you persisted, and I thank you. I wish I had a better closing for you, but as you can see, I'm not really there right now. So. Thank you.