If you've ever followed this blog for any length of time, you are no doubt used to the lengthy delays between posts. They tend to occur on a monthly basis, and towards the end of the month at that. In that case, you are probably not surprised by my absence. If you began reading my things more recently, however, I do apologize. The frequency of posts for that one week in June must have made you think I was going to become a regular producer of content. Well, I cannot fault you, as that was certainly my plan. Sadly, I made the mistake of hinging my project on the Billboard charts. To be blunt, they could do with some oiling.
I have watched them these past six weeks -- six weeks -- waiting for something notable to break through the charts, for something to fall, for something to happen that would be worth talking about. Nothing. It's been a month and a half, and the top ten songs in America have barely changed, have barely shifted positions. Repeating my opinions every week seemed foolish. And with my mainstay missing, all my other thoughts about present music seemed to dry up. To be honest, I haven't really listened to the radio much since my last post. Hearing the same songs every day becomes tiresome.
Still, we can gape at just how little difference six weeks have made.
#10: "Mirrors" by Justin Timberlake
Weeks on Chart: 23
Peak: #2
Rank Shift: -1
Shut up, I don't care. This is an insulting love song, not only because it predicates her value on his, but also because it is boring. Leave already.
#9: "Cups (Pitch Perfect's 'When I'm Gone')" by Anna Kendrick
Weeks on Chart: 30
Peak: #9
Rank Shift: +1
This is a sleeper hit I can get behind. It's a cute, refreshing little song, and it cuts a lot of my frustration with the rest of this list just by finally being on top.
#8: "Holy Grail" by Jay Z feat. Justin Timberlake
Weeks on Chart: 2
Peak: #8
Rank Shift: 0
Outside of noting that Jay Z has dropped the hyphen from his name, I don't have heaps to say about this one. Watson does, though, so I defer to him. A guest verse, if you will:
At first, "Holy Grail" should be a great song to me,
two of my favorite acts in pop music coming together. JT recently got
back into my good graces with "Suit and Tie," and I was convinced that
Jay Z could do no wrong. I loved “Blueprint III” as much as the rest of
America did. Come three years later with “Watch the Throne,” he and
Kanye “Yeezy” West blew me away with not only two killer hits in
“Ni**as in Paris” and “No Church in the Wild,” but one of the best
albums in years.
“Watch The Throne” was two years ago, and Jay and Kanye have gone their
separate ways, as they should. That being said, I don’t feel like Jay
really let Kanye behind, not completely. Mr. West has always fancied
himself an “artiste” in a matter akin to that girl you knew in high
school who recited poetry at the talent show and wore turtlenecks all
year round. Apparently while they were putting together their
masterpiece, the uncrowned king of the NYC was taking notes.
The song mechanically is very different from most of Jay’s other hits,
and I’m not sure that that works in its favor. We start the song with a
forty-five second intro by JT, which then leads into the hook… also by
JT. I had to wait a minute and twenty seconds to hear Jay Z on a Jay Z track.
The hook is okay, but if you’re gonna make me sit through it for over a
minute then it better be better than okay.
Lyrically the song is gorgeous, which is par for the course for Jay.
He’s a dad now, and at the height of his career he’s worried about it
all falling apart, citing examples in heroes like Mike Tyson, MC Hammer,
and Kurt Cobaine. It’s in the mention of Nirvana’s frontman
that things start to get to me.
The song musically feels like it’s trying to be grandiose. This is not
something Jay typically does, at least not musically. No, no, this the
calling card of one Kanye West. Jay is trying to take a page from his
friend’s book, and it doesn’t work. The sampling of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is annoying at best and sacrilegious at worst, the breaks are
not wanted, and JT overstays his welcome by a long shot. I won’t say
it’s the worst thing I’ve heard, I just expected better.
#7: "Cruise" by Florida Georgia Line feat. Nelly
Weeks on Chart: 42
Peak: #4
Rank Shift: -1
On the one hand, good that they're finally sinking; they were deadlocked at #5 for weeks before rising to be the fourth most popular song in the nation. On the other hand, I still live in a world where the odds of hearing BAYBEE YURR A SAWWWNG blare out of my speakers are double because there are two versions of this song popular and oh, I hate I hate I hate, and I can't wait for it to drown.
#6: "Can't Hold Us" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton
Weeks on Chart: 24
Peak: #1
Rank Shift: -1
I don't know if I'm terribly upset about this, because this song had a good run and isn't leaving particularly quickly. Besides, "Same Love" is clawing up the charts, so it's not as if Macklemore is fading out of sight. I suppose I am bitter, though, because it's a good song and it's sinking under the weight of boring dreck.
#5: "Treasure" by Bruno Mars
Weeks on Chart: 10
Peak: #5
Rank Shift: +2
Have I ever talked about Bruno Mars before on this blog? It seems I haven't. Well, here's the thing. I liked him well enough at the start, back when "Just the Way You Are" came out and I was sixteen and that sounded like the most romantic of sentiments. (And, compared to songs like One Direction's similarly-themed "Little Things," it kind of is.) But then I grew older, and experience made me bitter, and his romanticism sounded more like something between lies and naivete. There's also the small matter of his other songs, which were both overplayed and not dreadfully spectacular. (I'm looking at you, "The Lazy Song.") He just never really felt like he was paying off on what his evident talent had promised, making him for me the musical equivalent of a first boyfriend.
Now he's back with this new album, and people seem to dig it. I don't really. I've heard people say that "Locked Out of Heaven" is some of his best recent work, but all I can hear is how much those guitars sound like they're about to break into "Can't Stand Losing You" by The Police. (I have also heard other people say as much.) This is a problem for me, because I really like The Police and really dislike plagiarists. Still, this is all background. What do I think of "Treasure"?
Meh. It's listenable sometimes.
#4: "Get Lucky" by Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams
Weeks on Chart: 14
Peak: #2
Rank Shift: -2
This is an injustice, people. Daft Punk has been robbed by Robin Thicke. They deserved that number one spot because they wrote a quality song that people like. It has further grown on me as the weeks have gone by, which makes me all the more affronted. Injustice, I say.
#3: "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons
Weeks on Chart: 47
Peak: #3
Rank Shift: +1
Still dig the hell out of this, but, let us be clear: the music video is horrendous. It might well be worthy of a blog post all its own. It's that bad. I get that they're just now getting attention and that funds may not have been in place, but the problem is even beyond that. The video just doesn't gel with the song at all. Go look it up if you don't believe me. Really, if they don't get the top spot, I'd blame the video for being all kinds of wrong.
#2: "We Can't Stop" by Miley Cyrus
Weeks on Chart: 7
Peak: #2
Rank Shift: +1
We have already gone over how much I loathe this song. The fact that this is charting is criminal. America, you should be at least a little bit ashamed. But enough about the music, let's talk about the performer. Since I last spat upon this wreck of a song, Miley's launched herself on a globetrotting campaign to reestablish her relevance as an individual and not just some Disney has-been who's now arm candy for a B-lister. Really, though, all I can hear is how self-obsessed she is. Apparently, she wants to grow out her hair again. Reason? Everyone's stealing her look. Also, apparently she has zero interest in hiding the fact that she does drugs. In fact, she seems to be under the impression that putting MDMA and whatever else into her body is what all the mature, self-actualized adults are doing these days.
I could honestly go on and on about all her attempts to be "edgy" and "ratchet" while abroad and at home, about the twerking and the tacky accessories, but why bother? What I've already said is probably reaching her ego, somewhere, somehow, and it's stroking it like Blofeld strokes a white cat.
#1: "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke feat. T.I. and Pharrell
Weeks on Chart: 14
Peak: #1, for some unfathomable reason
Rank Shift: 0
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? GO HOME.
Seriously, unless it got knocked down a spot during a week where I was too worn down to check, this song hasn't budged from the top of the chart since it got there. This is terrible. Every listen makes it sound worse. And, yes, it still invades my very breathing sometimes, and I still scream in frustration the minute I realize I'm murmuring it under my breath. It is the very worst.
What's more, it's going to get sealed into the public consciousness. Say what you will about the content of the video, but it's some distinctly striking imagery. Parodies abound, and it's shaping up to be this summer's "Call Me Maybe." I thought "Call Me Maybe" was bad. It honestly wasn't. I'd take cloying innocence over this piece of slime any day, probably. I just want this gone.
Do you see that? Do you see how there are only three songs on this chart that weren't there before? Six weeks, and we only have three new things. Terrible.
I do take minor consolation in that the things that did fall off the chart -- "I Love It," "The Way," and "Come ampersand Get It" -- were boring and/or tired. I spoke of stagnation last time. I had no idea. None. Still, fall is approaching, and shifts do happen over time. I'd like to think that the charts will change faster than the leaves, but maybe that's too much to ask.
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