The "We Can't Stop" Music Video

So, I figured I would post a bit of a follow-up to some of the things said in this post, since Miley Cyrus has now posted a video for "We Can't Stop." Here it is.

So, you're still alive after seeing that, right? Of course you are, and good thing, too, because maybe right now you'll feel an ounce of the vicious hate I'm feeling directly after seeing that for the first time. Let's begin.

Dear Miley Cyrus...


Miley, despite what you and your spunky lil haircut might think, you are not P!nk, nor do your antics make you "Just Dance"-era Lady Gaga, the way Andrew has hypothesized you might think it does. No, what that haircut entitles you to is comparisons to a particularly toothy cockatoo. And just because you're at a poorly lit party does not, in fact, make you Lady Gaga at any time.


You are also not Ke$ha. In order to be Ke$ha, you have to look like you're doing all of this stuff deliberately for the music video. You, meanwhile, appear to have compiled a bunch of iPhone videos you've taken over the past week and a half into a music video, in the hopes that people will consider them scenes for a piece of art instead of merely you getting trashed on all the things you aren't legally allowed to play with yet/ever. Also, your "homage" to the ending of her video for "Tik Tok" is what we in the college world call "plagiarism." It's this thing where you use someone else's idea while acting like you thought of it yourself. The saddest part is that you don't really get the point of "Tik Tok," either, judging by your facial expression as you deliberately cuddle up to one of the random guys in your apartment. This is, of course, assuming that that part isn't just a candid shot of your antics last Thursday, but it's hard to say, Miley.

Those attempts you made at points to "artsy it up" really show, Miley. That bit with the chopping off of the fingers? So deep, I think a six year old tried something similar once with the "oh no, I ripped off my own thumb!" trick. His mom was more impressed, too, because his stupid prank didn't make a huge goopy mess on her counter.

Are we supposed to think that you're really hardcore with this video? Because, I mean, you tried that, a couple times now, and it's gone about the same each time. I get that you decided that hair is out and making Daddy cry softly into his dwindling savings account every night is in, but that doesn't mean that we necessarily agree.

And, you know what's the worst of it? Your song is at number 11 on the charts right now, purely because it exists. Number eleven is just outside of the Top 10. I'm writing a blog post about the Top 10, and you can't be in it, because you're eleven. That's okay, though, Miley. You're so very, very important to me and my time that not only do you get your own special mention in that earlier blog post -- oh, no, I wouldn't change a thing about that -- you also get this post, a post of your very own. How delightful for you! I could be covering good artists, you know. Artists that don't make me feel like my brain has vomited and now I need to rinse it out with Scope. But you, Miley, you have inspired me to write, and what's more, to reuse a meme I made up because of you.

And by hedonistic crap, I don't mean that song. I mean you. You're welcome.

I wanted you to do so well, Miley. I wanted you to shake off the insulting accusations that you're a trailer trash chipmunk who the Hemsworths would do well to avoid. I wanted to think you were just going through a phase. Still do, really. But now you have a song in the Top 40 for no reason other than that your name is Miley Cyrus. And when it's a song that wastes time and airspace like this, that is reprehensible.

Hugs and sorry-not-sorries,
Me

I'm sorry, everyone, that was terrible. I don't even just mean the video, either. I mean me, too. Here. Have some Capital Cities:

And if that doesn't work for you, feel free to let me know what did. It's always good to know other people's comfort music.

Next time, my thoughts on everything that America has deemed better than "We Can't Stop." And beware: some of it is, in fact, worse than this. Cheers!